Having Difficult Conversations
Difficult conversations are a part of life. Whether it’s confronting a friend about a harmful habit, discussing financial strain in a marriage, or addressing conflict within the church, these conversations can feel intimidating and uncomfortable. Many of us would rather avoid them altogether. Yet Scripture calls us to pursue truth, love, and reconciliation—even when it’s hard.
Why Difficult Conversations Matter
Relationships can be complex. Like all complex things, they require periodic maintenance and repair. But since it’s not always intuitive how to do that, we tend to avoid it. While avoiding tough topics may feel easier in the moment, such silence often breeds misunderstanding, resentment, or distance in relationships. Proverbs 27:5 reminds us, “Better is open rebuke than hidden love.” Speaking up can be an act of love, especially when it seeks the good of the other person and the well-being of the relationship. But it requires a healthy long-term view, since short-term rockiness may be inevitable.
Biblical Principles for Hard Conversations
1. Examine Your Heart First
Jesus teaches in Matthew 7 to consider yourself before criticizing someone else. The Message says, “Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging.” Before approaching someone, it’s wise to ask God to search your heart (Psalm 139:23-24). Sometimes, the Spirit reveals our frustration is rooted in selfishness or impatience. Consider that the difficult conversation you seek may need to be with yourself. But even if the situation is not entirely your fault, at least you understand your slice of the blame pie.
This is also a good time to consider what approach you’re going to take. Andy Stanley covers this very well in this video. If your plan is to coerce and control everyone to see things your way (“If only they’d see I’m right and they’re wrong”), then you need another plan. The coercion and control plan never works because you fail to see the situation from their point of view.
2. Speak the Truth in Love
The Apostle Paul tells us in Ephesians 4:15 to “speak the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is Christ.” This principle emphasizes two key concepts: the commitment to truthful speech, and the motivation for that speech to build others up in Christ. Truth without love can wound, but love without truth can enable harmful patterns. The balance of honesty and compassion should guide us. Before we speak, it’s worth asking:
• Am I motivated by love or by pride?
• Am I seeking to build up or to tear down?
Jesus was masterful at this concept. He broke social norms at the time to even speak to the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4), and when he did, he didn’t shy away from confronting her about intimate detail about her life. He also taught powerful spiritual truths to Nicodemus (John 3), an already highly respected teacher of the law. Jesus exemplified “speaking the truth in love” throughout his ministry.
3. Choose Your Words Carefully
Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Tone matters as much as content. Prayerfully consider not just what to say, but how and when to say it. Sometimes timing can make the difference between defensiveness and openness. “The right word at the right time is like a custom-made piece of jewelry” (Proverbs 25:11).
4. Be Quick to Listen
James 1:19 instructs us to be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” A difficult conversation is not a monologue but a dialogue. Listening communicates respect and helps uncover misunderstandings. We all desire to be heard and understood. Let them talk. Ask clarifying questions. Their words may not mean or imply what you think. Not only is this the respectful thing to do, but you just might learn something along the way. And at a minimum, it creates a base of truth you can both agree on.
5. Resolve Conflicts Quickly
“Do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27). It is best to address conflict as soon as possible before pain and resentment settle and fester. Do not give the rumor mill momentum, because we all know how hard it is to stop it. Proverbs 6:2-5 advises us to act quickly to save ourselves, “like a gazelle from the hand of the hunter.”
Maybe you’re thinking you want to wait until after the “heat of the moment” and constructively compose your thoughts. Or perhaps you’re one to rush to judgment or say things you’ll regret later. That makes sense. But at some point, the time will be right to have this conversation. And sooner rather than later is usually the best option.
6. Live at Peace
The goal of a hard conversation is not to win an argument but to restore unity. Romans 12:18 encourages us, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Consider what “living at peace” looks like to you. Sometimes it’s forgiveness, sometimes it’s a mutual understanding, and sometimes it’s a willingness to move forward. All are valid outcomes.
While full reconciliation would be wonderful, it should not be your goal. As Andy Stanley puts it in this video, reconciliation comes with expectations for other people – a checklist of what they need to do to make that happen. But since you can’t control what other people do (nor should you try), this can at times be unachievable. Instead, the goal should be no regrets, where you did everything you could to remove all obstacles in your relationship. So, whatever the outcome looks like, even if disagreements remain, at least you can walk away knowing you acted with humility and grace.
7. Pray Continually
It’s okay to feel worried and apprehensive about this conversation. Remember, you are not alone. We are encouraged to "pray without ceasing" (1 Thessalonians 5:17), a call for consistent, ongoing communication with God. He is always there to listen and can calm your anxious heart. Philippians 4:6-7 tells us, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Ask God to grant you that peace.
Closing Encouragement
Hard conversations may never feel easy, but they are the lifeblood of our relationships. When approached with prayer, humility, and love, they can become opportunities for God’s healing and reconciliation to shine through. As followers of Christ, we are called not to avoid conflict but to step into it with grace, seeking peace and unity that reflects the heart of Jesus. Don’t wait for others to take the first step. Do it now. In the long run, you’ll be happy you did.