Empathy Still Matters

If you spend any time in my counseling office (or any, for that matter), you’ll hear me talk about and express empathy. It’s not just a buzzword or floaty concept; it’s the heartbeat of what makes counseling work. In fact, I would go so far as to say that empathy is one of the most powerful tools we have for healing, growth, and connection, not just in therapy, but in every area of life.

What Empathy Really Is

A lot of people confuse empathy with sympathy. Sympathy says, “I feel sorry for you.” Empathy says, “I’m willing to step into your shoes and feel with you.” That’s a huge difference.

In counseling, I often meet people who feel isolated or misunderstood. When they share their story, they’re not looking for quick advice or a five-step plan. They’re looking for someone to truly understand them and what they’re going through. Empathy allows me to sit with them in their pain, to honor their feelings, and to help them feel less alone. Only when someone feels deeply heard do they begin to believe change is possible.

Apostle Paul puts it this way: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15). This verse captures the essence of empathy. It’s an invitation to step into someone else’s emotional world, to celebrate their joys, and carry their burdens alongside them.

Empathy Creates Safety

Think about the times in your own life when someone really “got you.” Maybe it was a friend who sat with you through grief, or a spouse who understood your struggles without judgment. Chances are, you walked away from that interaction with a sense of relief. “Finally, someone understands.”

That’s the same safety that empathy creates in the counseling room. Without empathy, therapy would feel clinical and cold. With it, the space becomes warm, human, and trustworthy. It says, “Your story matters. You matter.”

The Bible reminds us of this kind of care in Galatians 6:2: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” When we share in one another’s struggles, we mirror the compassion of Christ Himself.

Empathy in Action: Tactical Empathy

Former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss uses the phrase tactical empathy. He explains that empathy isn’t about agreement or weakness, it’s about showing the other person that you understand their perspective so completely that they can’t help but feel heard.

For example, Voss shares how, in high-stakes negotiations, he would reflect back the fears, frustrations, and motivations of the person on the other side of the table. “It sounds like you’re worried about being taken advantage of,” or “It seems like this situation has left you frustrated.” Simply labeling emotions helps disarm tension and opens the door to real conversation.

In counseling, I see similar things happen. A teenager may come in angry and withdrawn, unwilling to talk. Instead of pushing or lecturing, I might reflect their emotions back. “It seems like you’re tired of people telling you what to do,” or “It sounds like you feel no one is really listening.” More often than not, their shoulders drop and they finally say, “Yeah, that’s it.” At that moment, empathy has done its work. It has unlocked trust.

This is tactical empathy in action. It’s intentional, skillful listening that helps people feel truly seen and heard. Whether in a negotiation, a marriage conflict, or a counseling session, it creates space for solutions that never could have emerged through force or argument.

Why Empathy Matters Beyond Counseling

Of course, empathy isn’t just for therapy or hostage negotiations. It’s something we all need in our relationships. Voss makes the point that our entire lives are full of negotiations (e.g., getting the kids to bed, budgeting with your spouse, making progress at work). Therefore, empathy can be applied at many times and in many places. Imagine the difference it could make if:

• Parents slowed down long enough to hear what their teenager is really trying to say.

• Couples paused arguments to acknowledge each other’s feelings instead of jumping straight to defense.

• Workplaces valued understanding over competition.

• People listened to each other across political divides instead of shutting down conversations, spouting insults, or even worse.

Empathy doesn’t mean we always agree. It means we’re willing to listen, to understand, and to respect the humanity in the other person. That shift can change everything.

Paul reminds us in Philippians 2:4: “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” At its heart, empathy is about lifting our gaze beyond ourselves to truly consider what another person is going through.

Growing Empathy as a Skill

The good news is empathy isn’t something you either have or don’t have. It’s a skill we can grow. Here are a few ways I encourage people to practice it:

• Listen to understand, not to reply. Too often, we’re forming our response instead of fully hearing the other person.

• Be curious and ask open-ended questions. “Can you tell me more about that?” is often way more powerful than advice.

• Pay attention to more than words. Tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language often say as much as words, if not more.

• Resist the urge to fix. Sometimes, the most healing words are, “I’m here with you,” not “Here’s what you should do.”

• Identify what type of conversation you and the other person are expecting. Choices include: practical, emotional, and social. If you don’t, you’ll literally be having two different conversations.

• Practice self-empathy. Extend the same kindness and understanding to yourself that you offer to others.

These steps may sound simple, but when practiced consistently, they have the power to transform relationships.

The Ripple Effect of Empathy

One of the things I love most about empathy is how it spreads. When someone feels heard and validated, they often become more willing to extend the same to others. A spouse who feels understood is more likely to listen with care. A child who experiences empathy at home will often extend it to friends at school.

Over time, empathy creates ripple effects that strengthen families, improve workplaces, and heal communities. What starts as a small act of listening can end up shaping entire cultures.

The Role of Empathy in Self-Healing

Empathy isn’t just something we give to others—it’s something we need to practice toward ourselves. Many of us are our own harshest critics (I know I am). We replay mistakes, magnify flaws, and struggle to offer ourselves grace. But when we learn to treat ourselves with empathy, we unlock space for growth without shame.

In counseling, I often talk with people who find it much easier to offer compassion to others than to themselves. Learning to turn that same understanding inward is a powerful step toward wholeness.

We are reminded of God’s heart in Psalm 34:18: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” When we practice empathy toward ourselves and others, we reflect the very compassion of God.

Closing Thoughts

In counseling, empathy is the doorway to healing. In everyday life, it’s the glue that holds relationships together. Every person you encounter today is carrying a story you may not fully know. A little empathy—a listening ear, a kind word, a willingness to sit with someone in their struggle—might be exactly what they need.

If you find yourself struggling to practice empathy—for others or even for yourself—counseling can be a safe place to begin. Sometimes we all need a companion on our journey, someone who will hear our story with care and help us rediscover the healing power of being seen, heard, and valued.